What to do when stress is inevitable

Posted on May 15, 2012 by Kathy

Image credit: micro10x / 123RF Stock Photo

I met Nicole* to interview her for my next book project.  Decades of stress were etched in the lines on her face.  Unmarried and childless, she had always put work first and relished her accomplishments.

Still, caring for a sick parent gave her time to reflect in a way she probably wouldn’t have allowed herself in the past.  She began thinking about what she wanted in the later part of her illustrious career.  The recession derailed her plans to scale back and focus on helping others so now she was trying to figure out how to deliver at work while creating more of a life at home.  Health was her first priority and for that she had to deal with her stress.

 

Causes of stress

Some of our stress comes from ever-mounting work demands.  Yet, some is within our control:

  • Trying to control the uncontrollable – e.g. an adult child with an addiction problem or a changing workplace.
  • The past – anger, frustration or guilt tied to past experiences.
  • The future – doubts and worries over what the future will bring.

This article includes a great list of signs and symptoms of stress overload.  Are you there?

 

Mindfulness:  That’s why they call it the “present”

There has been a lot of research supporting the efficacy of mindfulness.  At the core of the mindfulness movement are tools to bring our attention back to the present where past upsets and uncertain futures disappear.  Mindfulness leaders like Jon Kabat Zinn, and Thich Nhat Hanh teach us that in the moment, as Louise Hay says, “all is well.”  Through a regular centering practice like meditation, yoga, tai chi, breath work or chi gong, we gain:

  • Equanimity
  • Peace
  • Enduring joy
  • Greater focus & clarity
  • Enhanced creativity

As someone who has practiced daily for a few years, I can attest to these benefits, which grow over time.

 

Managing stress well

HelpGuide.org shared several qualities associated with the ability to tolerate stress:

  1. Strong social network – those with friends and family they can turn to weather challenges better than those who isolate themselves
  2. Optimism – accepting change as a part of life and approaching it with humor keeps challenges in perspective
  3. Emotional maturity – knowing what calms you down when sad, angry or afraid helps you move on quicker
  4. Knowledge & preparation – anticipating hurdles and planning for them as much as you can helps you feel more in control
  5. Sense of control – the belief that you can persevere even in the face of challenges helps you know you will get through this too.


Consider changes at work

Nicole pursued a path at her company that was more lucrative while giving up her management duties.  In no longer managed others, work got easier.  It is an option she wouldn’t have explored 5 years ago.  Now, with new priorities and a desire for more life in her life, she was ready.

Stress may be inevitable, but how we deal with it makes all the difference.  Through mindfulness, cultivating the qualities above and looking to make work changes that align with our goals we can manage stress, rather than have it manage us.

What’s your favorite stress reliever?

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* We can learn from each other, but names are changed to protect confidentiality.

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How cheese curds led to work/life balance

Posted on May 8, 2012 by Kathy

cheese curds leads to work/life balance

Marissa* was sitting in a meeting where the presenter was flashing slide after slide of cheese curd futures.

“I just hit the wall,” Marissa said, explaining her epiphany.  At the time, she was the cheese division controller of a major food manufacturer.  The price of cheese curds was incredibly important to the division’s profitability.  But she just couldn’t muster the energy to care about the price of cheese curd futures anymore.

Someday I’ll make a change

Many people long to make a change “someday”, but never commit the time to figure out what they’d like to do next or how to make the move.  The idea of making a big career shift is too improbable unless an epiphany like Marissa’s occurs that can no longer be ignored.  After all, who wants to start over?  You may feel less than fulfilled on your current career path, but it’s too late to shift, right?

Is it?

Decades of work ahead of you

According to Gallup, 8 in 10 Americans expect to work at least part time past retirement age.  If so, how many work years are still ahead of you?  Civic Ventures found that over 5 million Americans made mid-career shifts to more fulfilling work and there is a groundswell of interest from millions more.  And it’s easier than ever to find work geared toward older, more experienced workers.  Check out this list.

Shifting to possible

What options have you considered that seem impossible?  What if you turned your thoughts around.  Ask yourself, “If this were possible:”

  • “I’d need to learn __________.”
  • “I’d need help from  __________.”
  • “I’d need to know more about  __________.”
  • “I could change my expenses by  __________.”

Sometimes, those making a mid-career shift take a skill and apply it in a new way.  Jack Canfield, author of Chicken Soup for the Soul, tells how he used to be a teacher in the classroom.  Now, he still considers himself a teacher, just his platform has changed.

Can you really suck up doing what you don’t enjoy for the next 10, 20, 30 years?  What shifts could you make now to get you closer to work you love?  Imagine coming to work every day thrilled to be there.  Use that feeling as a powerful catalyst to begin exploring.

It’s better than cheese curds.

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* We can learn from each other, but names are changed to protect confidentiality.

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Is your ego keeping you stuck?

Posted on May 1, 2012 by Kathy

I met MaryAnn* in the Atlanta airport where we were both on layovers last week.  Her face lit up when she heard I was a work/life balance expert.  ”We need to talk,” she emphasized.  This was the 4th city she visited that week and it was only Wednesday.  In sharing her story, she told of a career she loved in which she was thriving.  But she had been at it for so long.

“When I started out the deal was we were suppose to work hard early on and then be able to pace ourselves later,” she said.

“But the pacing never came,” I acknowledged and she nodded.  Now she’s having chest pains.  Both of her parents died of heart attacks.  It’s forcing her to think about work and life.

When the heart needs one thing and the head wants another

It’s hard to consider making a change in a thriving career when the view from the fast track is still enticing.  MaryAnn admitted that her ego was a big part of it.  She was use to being a player in the room.  ”I think I’d have to make changes in stages,” MaryAnn acknowledged.  It’s actually a good strategy.  Similar to scaling back a habit that no longer suits vs. going cold turkey.

Where to start?

For many, the measure of their worth has come from their work because it’s easily measurable.  We can tell from your title or size of influence how important you are.  But when you want a life that includes more than work, the measure of success has to expand.  Start by thinking about what it means to be successful in the other areas of your life:

  • Spouse
  • Parent
  • Daughter
  • Friend
  • Volunteer
  • Community member

What parts of your life need attention (e.g. health, spiritual awareness, personal growth).  Answer,

“When I’m successful in this role/area of my life I am:”

Just acknowledging that the other life roles have value will begin to broaden your view.

Options

Open yourself up to paying attention to options around you.  You don’t have to commit to taking a leap yet.  Just notice.  Look for a:

  • “Climb up on the rock job.”  The kind of job that you can do without taking home a great deal of stress.  One that would buy you more time to think about what you really want in life.
  • Nonprofit position that fulfills a passion of yours.  For Jean* it was the theater.  For Susan* it was the local education foundation.
  • Small business – that plays to your strengths.

Breathe.

You are so much more than your accomplishments.  As someone who has moved through this process myself, I can share that there is a life that is far richer than just professional success.

What is your head and heart telling you?

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* We can learn from each other, but names are changed to protect confidentiality.

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5 steps to end procrastination

Posted on April 22, 2012 by Kathy

I had a bookshelf of good intentions.  Non-fiction books I wanted to read that sounded interesting at the time when I bought them, though I never made time to read them.

Needing space in my office, I finally bit the bullet  and went through the shelves, being brutally honest about the tombs that no longer spoke to me.  Rather than hanging on to them “because I already spent the money,” I had a book swap at my next party, inviting friends to bring books they wanted to swap.  Whatever was left over I donated.  I could have stayed stuck in feeling bad about wasting money on books I never read.  Instead, in giving them away I felt free.

What are you hanging on to? 

Remember finally knocking something off your to-do list that had lingered there forever?  How did you feel?

  • Relief?
  • Lighter?
  • More free?

That isn’t your imagination.  Even though we’re not working on the task there’s a piece of our brain that is, nagging us at all the wrong times.  That’s stagnant energy tied up in the cesspool of our brains.  When we finally take care of it the energy gets flowing again so that we have more available for other things we’d like to do.

Why do we procrastinate?

The main culprit is the task is something you “should” do but don’t want to.  Yep, your inner rebellious teenager has hijacked your brain.

You can muscle your way through your “should’s”, forcing yourself to get it done,  berating yourself in the process.  (“Be a grownup, for criminy’s sakes!” you whine to yourself.)  I suspect this method hasn’t worked or you wouldn’t be reading this post.

Here are 5 steps to get you moving:

  1. Think about how you’ll feel when it’s done.  Focus on the sensations in your body, so you can do as my executive coach friend David Martin says “feel it real.”  Connecting to that sense of relief is a powerful motivator.
  2. Reward yourself.  ”If I get this done by tomorrow afternoon I get to go out to dinner.”  Make sure whatever you choose as a reward is motivating enough, and something you wouldn’t do anyway.
  3. Play to your sense of accomplishment.  There’s more than relief and freed up energy when we complete a task.  You feel more capable and in charge.
  4. Assess the time.  How long realistically will it take to get it done?  Often it’s not as long as you think.  Under two hours?  That feels manageable.  Block the time out on your calendar.  If it will take longer, break it down into smaller pieces and “choose” to complete the first step.
  5. Accountability.  We’re more apt to complete something when we’ve committed to someone else that we’re going to do it.  We don’t want to have to make lame excuses when they ask us about it.  Enroll help from a spouse, BFF or coach.

Many times, once you get going you’re willing to keep going because you’re on a roll now.  But if momentum doesn’t show up, give yourself permission to stop after you’ve completed the baby step you committed to.  Just make sure you’ve identified the next baby step and when you’ll take it.

Overwhelmed?  Open space by completing a procrastinated task.

What is the thing on your list you’ve procrastinated on the longest?
DO – IT – NOW.  You will free up energy that will make you feel lighter, ready to take on the other tasks on your list with new vigor.

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Are you guilty of these 5 bad friendship behaviors?

Posted on April 17, 2012 by Kathy

When I’m leading workshops on work/life balance, people often share how one of the biggest casualties of carrying a heavy workload is friendships beyond work.

In a world where something’s gotta give, friendships are an easy target.  Many keep the thread of a connection going via social media tools.  Yet, there is a palpable longing for real connection that only the occasional face-to-face can satisfy.

Friendships as stress reliever

It’s well documented that friendships are good for our health.  It helps us weather the ups and downs of life and reduces stress.  Human beings are social creatures that crave the sense of belonging that friendships provide.

What’s your friendship quotient?

In this too-busy world, we all have our moments of not being the friend we’d like to be. But if you find yourself frequently engaging in the following behavior with your friends, it’s time to make amends:

  1. Frequently canceling.  – “I don’t even try to get together with Sandra* anymore,” a client lamented.  ”She always cancels.”  Are your friends saying this about you?
  2. Always the guest, never the host?  Do you get invited to events at a friend’s house but never reciprocate?  If you don’t have the space or inclination to host at home, arrange an outing.
  3. Start most sentences with “Sorry I’m late / didn’t call you back sooner / never showed up…”  They get it.  Your busy.  Guess what?  They are too.
  4. Expect rockstar treatment – Do you join in on get-togethers but never initiate them?  They take time to plan and coordinate.  Your friends are tired of doing all the work.  Pick an activity, a date and use a time saving tool like Evite.
  5. Use Facebook as surrogate – is your interaction with friends primarily “liking” their Facebook posts?  It’s time to pick up the phone and have a real conversation.  Better yet, invite them for coffee.

Don’t worry.  Your friends will forgive you.  You may not have time for weekly outings, but you owe it to yourself and your health to build in more friend time each month.

You might even make it part of your wellness habit.

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* We can learn from each other, but names are changed to protect confidentiality.

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You don’t have more time in the future

Posted on April 10, 2012 by Kathy

I recently backed off of a commitment to a professional organization.  As my inbox filled with board correspondence for a board I wasn’t even on yet I was given the gift of what this commitment would entail in the future.

I was doing it out of a desire to support a friend and colleague.  But from the stinky way I felt inside I could tell the commitment was one I’d view as an obligation, and it’s hard not to get resentful with an obligation of my own doing.  I caught myself in time.

Save me from myself

PsyBlog had an interesting post about the ways our mind warps time.  You can read it here.  But they missed one, which happens frequently to people who struggle with work/life balance – the belief you’ll have more time in the future than you do now.

So much space

When we get an invitation, whether pleasant or obligation, we see all that empty space on our calendar.  We put this new commitment in without giving it much thought.  Than the week arrives and we wonder, “Why did I agree to this?”

More downtime

We overbook ourselves time and again because we fail to consider how much down time we want. That’s the first step –  block out downtime before we start filling in all those blank spaces with appointments.

Consider:

  1. How many nights a week am I willing to be booked?
  2. How much time on the weekends do I want to putter and tinker?
  3. How many times a week do I want to make plans for lunch?

Sherri* was growing more frustrated by never having time to play golf.  She recognized she was accommodating her friends’ schedules without considering her own.  Given the time commitment golf requires, Sherri realized she had to book it on her calendar first before scheduling lunches that would preclude it.

Habits, obligations and choice

If you faced the reality that you don’t actually have more time in the future than you have now, what changes might you make?

  • Evaluate.  If you wouldn’t put it on your calendar this week, don’t put it on your calendar a month from now.
  • Habit.  What’s on your calendar out of habit that is more obligation than choice? Perhaps a group you use to love participating in doesn’t work for where you are taking your life now.  Imagine how you’d use the time you freed up.  You’re smiling already, aren’t you?
  • Scale back.  Maybe you don’t want to let go of a commitment all together.  Can you scale it back to monthly from weekly?

Terese* has been doing something radical lately – giving herself time to sit and read a book.  It may not sound like much but for her, this was a major shift – honoring the joy of downtime and her own rhythm.  She had to practice getting comfortable with open space on her calendar and breathing through the urge to fill it up.  What helped her was getting clear about the opportunity cost of overbooking – no downtime and not being available for her teenage girls.

Your turn

If you stopped over booking your future, what would you make time for?

What is your opportunity cost of overbooking?

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* We can learn from each other, but names are changed to protect confidentiality.

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Is this all there is?

Posted on April 3, 2012 by Kathy

Did you start out life dying to become an accountant or lawyer or product optimization specialist?

Didn’t think so.  Yet here you are, so many years later, stressed out, trying to hang on to a job you didn’t wish for in the first place.  You do it for your family’s financial security, yet have far too little time to enjoy the moments you work so hard for.

Long ago, well meaning guidance counselors and parents urged a path that promised steady income.  Or worse, you received no direction and stumbled into something that became a career, not necessarily a life.

Giving up on the dream

I had coffee recently with Victoria*, whose husband spent his career in insurance, but his passions are cigars and beer.  He dreams of developing his own microbrew, but with the lingering recession and advancing years, for the first time he’s facing the notion he may never realize his dream.

What will you regret?

Conventional wisdom argues you have to “grow up” at some point.   Yet, at the end of life it is not the risks and failures that are regretted but the chances never taken.

What’s your dream?

If you gave yourself permission to nurture a dream, to make time for it inch by tiny inch, what would it be?  If you gave yourself the gift of a second chance, another chapter, a do-over, would you still be a banker, a web designer, a pharmacist?

Pursuing the dream

One Saturday a month about 50 women dedicate their day off in Tampa to nurture their dream of becoming a romance author.  Month by month they strengthen their craft, never knowing if they’ll realize their dream but enjoying the pursuit none-the-less.

When I left a corporate job to start a business I thought my colleagues would think I was crazy.  Give up a well-paying marketing position for something so risky?  But I couldn’t face another soul-sucking day.

Rather than think I was crazy, people came out of the woodwork to say they envied me. They always wanted to own a bait & tackle shop, open an organic grocer or become a college professor.  All of them unfulfilled dreams like the uneaten fruit dying on a tree.

Dreams are nice, but…

If you’re saying, “Dreams are nice but I can’t feed my family on that,” usually because of money concerns, know that many, many others moved beyond the excuses of money and time to do it anyway.

If you decide not to follow your dreams at least be at choice.  ”I choose this life, where I don’t love my work but I love the life it affords.”  Peace with that choice puts an end to complaining.

If, however, the idea of giving up on your dreams makes your gut seize up, it’s time to consider, “How long am I willing to put my dreams on hold?”

What’s one step you can take this week to move  forward on your dream path?  Research options?  Get your finances in order?

Maybe the first step is believing it’s possible.

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* We can learn from each other, but names are changed to protect confidentiality.

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The #1 way to buy yourself more time

Posted on March 27, 2012 by Kathy

How many times have you agreed to help a friend only to regret it later? Whether it was the PTA fundraiser, helping out with your speech club’s election night or mentoring a young person at work, too often we give our time away unwittingly.

In the moment we don’t think about how much time and preparation it will take or what we’ll have to give up (e.g. a weekend of sailing or gardening).

Later, regret.

It isn’t until later that we have a clearer head to know what we signed on for.  The glow of being needed has worn off.  Just the slog to meet the commitment remains.  Regret and frustration set in.

“Why did I agree to this?” We moan.  ”How did I do this AGAIN?”

Why does it happen?

Because:

  • We’re flattered.  The glow of feeling needed obscures our judgment about what we really want relative to what’s being asked of us.
  • It sounds easy.  We aren’t yet thinking about the fully loaded time commitment.  It’s easy to underestimate what a projects requires without time to assess what’s involved.
  • We like to be helpful, until it turns into more than we bargained for, especially when our friend is looking at us with expectant eyes.

Too many times we’re caught in the moment and don’t know how to say “no” even if we did have our head about us.

How to keep it from happening again?

If you want work/life balance, the #1 way to get there is to master the art of the stall tactic to buy yourself some time to think.  If you sleep on it, you’ll be better able to assess what the full commitment requires.  To do so, you need a ready response for when the next request comes (because if your friends are use to you helping them they are going to ask you again.)

“Buying-time” examples:

  • “That sounds interesting.  Let me think about it.”
  • “Let me check my calendar and get back to you.”
  • “I need to know more about what the commitment entails.  Let me put together some questions for you.”

A note of caution:  Friends sandbag the time commitment because they want you to say “yes”.  They don’t mean to bait and switch.  They probably got themselves into the same pickle and are now trying to figure out how to get out of it, which is why they’re roping you in.

Take their time estimate and double it.

In the sober light of day, consider:

  1. “Is this how I want to use my time?”
  2. “Will I get into the thick of this and regret it?”
  3. “What will I have to give up to accommodate this commitment?”
  4. “What will I gain?”
  5. “How do I feel about the trade off between what I’m giving up and what I’m gaining?”

Ruthless?

Not if you’re tired of never having time for your life.  Too many of us forget to consider what we want in the middle of being helpful.  If you want to give back, be proactive.  Look for a cause or an organization you will gladly give time to without regret.

When all else fails…

Use your caring for others here too.  Does your friend really want you there if you’re going to be stinky about it?  Or would she rather invite someone who would welcome the opportunity?

This week, repeat after me:

“Let me think about it.”

Don’t you feel better already?

What response do you use to buy more time?  Chime in below.

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What’s your chronic time waster?

Posted on March 20, 2012 by Kathy

We all have chronic time wasters.

For Betsy*, it was an Angry Bird addiction.

For Coleen*, it was industry publications packed with things she  ”should” do.

For Gertie*, it was daily, lengthy conversations with a colleague.

Other culprits:

  1. Checking in on social media
  2. Mindless TV
  3. Stock market tracking
  4. Sports stats
  5. Obsessive email checking
  6. Online shopping
  7. Perfectionism, which leads to trouble finishing work
  8. The inability to delegate – you’re doing work your employees should be doing “because it’s easier to just do it myself”

I used to work with this guy who would troll the hallways daily, looking for leftover donuts and cookies left in conference rooms after meetings.

Want more time?

Then you have to own your go-to time suck and get to the bottom of what’s behind it.  There are 2 main drivers for why we waste so much time:

  1. Avoidance – there is something we “should” do but we don’t want to.
  2. Getting dialed up.  (I wrote about it in this blog post).

What to do?

It helps to have a specific goal in place for what you want to do with the time you free up. That way, the next time Angry Birds beckons, you have something more important to keep you on track.  Whether it’s:

  • Dinner at home with the family
  • A regular fitness commitment, or
  • Time to write your book.

Not sure what your time waster is?

For one day/week record how much time you spend:

  • Checking email
  • On Facebook and other social media outlets.
  • Watching TV or internet surfing.

Now get honest with yourself – How much of that time was productive or high quality enjoyment (you really enjoyed watching the program) versus just having the TV on, or dialing through channels?

Armed with awareness and a goal, you can resist the time waster to do what you are longing to do – read a book, take a walk, connect with your daughter.

Some strategies to tackle your time suck

  1. Limit the offending behavior.  Commit to checking email 3 times a day versus when it comes in.
  2. Use your distraction as a reward.  If you get your project done you can play Angry Birds for 15 minutes.
  3. Try a digital detox.  Go cold turkey on social media for a day.  Notice how you feel – relieved?  Less stressed?  Then employ #1 or 2.

What’s your chronic time waster?  Chime in below.

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* We can learn from each other, but names are changed to protect confidentiality.

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Feel like you have adult ADD?

Posted on March 9, 2012 by Kathy

Another friend this week commented that she felt like she had adult ADD.  Years ago I attended a workshop where most of the women in the room confessed to feeling as if they had the afliction.  An epidemic?

We could blame the volume of information coming at us each day and the many life roles we’re juggling.  There is some measure of truth to this, though women have juggled roles for many years without feeling overwhelmed all the time in the strive for work/life balance.

What if, instead, there was another culprit – our own busyness habit?

Busyness begets busyness.

If we are masters at getting things done, why doesn’t our to-do list shrink?  I catch my own tendency some afternoons to blaze from one action item to the next, ever faster, where my head feels fuzzy by the end of the day from the whirlwind of activity.  I have to stop and review my goals for the day and week to make sure I’m not just creating more busy work.

What are you avoiding?

I  had a client keep a busyness journal for a week to note when that wound-up feeling got going and what it prompted her to do.  She found her busyness energy fills up her calendar so she can avoid doing work she doesn’t enjoy.  With that awareness we considered what part of it needed to get done.  Note – not all work does.  Sometimes our perfectionist ways drive us toward more work than is necessary to move the business forward.  My client also examined what work could be delegated to make what was left less onerous.

Catch yourself in the busyness moment.

The other afternoon my thoughts were zooming through my head with lots of things to do competing for attention.  It would have been easy to go into frenzied activity.  But I stopped, stepped back and consider what really needed to get done.  I focused my efforts on completing one bigger action item for the rest of that day.  With that focus the scattered thoughts subsided.

What does your busyness prompt you to do?  Stop.  Breathe.  Evaluate, before diving into action.

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